Tag: prayer

Faith, Life, Momming

Secrets to Tell

Megan

Hello! It’s been a minute since I last posted. There’s a reason for that. For those of you who don’t know me in person, I’ve been keeping a secret.

I didn’t mean to, but I couldn’t find a way to share my news. The longer I waited to share, the more of a challenge it became. But, I’m ready now.

In January my family and I visited my parents’ for a long overdue sibling reunion. At the time of our visit, we were on month thirteen of praying, trying, and waiting for baby #3.

My husband had been diagnosed with male factor infertility, and I was a month away from having an appointment with my ob/gyn to start trying to see what, if any, other issues we were dealing with. A few days before we left for my parents’ I had a time of deep, fervent prayer.

I had been listening to Genesis, and had, for some reason, been reading in 1 Samuel. Over and over, I had heard about women whose wombs were opened and who had then conceived. I brought their stories before God. If He could do it for them, He could do it for me. I pleaded with Him to allow just one sperm to reach an egg—knowing that nothing is impossible for God.

As I prayed, a word popped into my mind: Jezreel. My first thought was, “Am I supposed to name a baby Jezreel?” I quickly decided that was not it, and grabbed my phone to find out just what the word meant. I cried as I read that it means “God will sow.” My husband’s main fertility issue was immotility. God sowing was exactly what we needed.

I was cautiously hopeful. I didn’t want to be disappointed, but I felt certain I had heard from God. But what if He hadn’t meant He’d sow that particular month?

While at my parents’, I had some spotting, and I knew we were about to begin month fourteen of waiting. I was very upset and very emotional. I spent time praying and journaling. I was ready to be done trying, done hoping, done being disappointed. In addition to being tired, I was also so confused.

While I was still pregnant with my daughter, I told my mom and my husband that if we had a third, I thought it would be a boy. At some point towards the end of my pregnancy, I’d had a vision. A split second picture in my mind of sitting with my feet on an ottoman, with my son facing me on my left, and my daughter facing me on my right. My daughter had light hair, and it was pulled back into a ponytail. On my lap, I held a tiny, dark haired baby boy, and he was dressed in warm weather clothing.

My husband and I both have dark hair, so having a blonde wasn’t even on my radar. Shortly after she was born, her dark hair fell out, and was replaced by blonde curls. My conviction that the picture had come from God grew. In the months that followed my daughter’s birth, that mental image had become a source of hope.

As I walked through the nightmare of postpartum anxiety and OCD with terrifying intrusive thoughts, that picture gave me hope that I had a future. Not only would my life not end because of my postpartum nightmare, but I would recover and have a third. I held on to that vision.

So when thirteen months went by without a baby on the way, I struggled to make sense. Was the vision from God? Was I supposed to keep waiting for it to be fulfilled? Could I, should I, surrender the vision and live outside of the hopeful expectation for its fulfillment? I could have been content with my two kids if not for the vision of a third.

After spending time crying and praying at my parents’ on what I was convinced was the eve of month fourteen, I talked with my husband who suggested I take a pregnancy test. So my sister and I went to Walmart late that night. I was too impatient to wait until morning to test, and I prepared myself for the possibility that if it was negative, it could be a false negative because I was testing at night.

I was stunned to see a positive.

Elijah Michael was born last week. His name is a declaration.

Elijah: My God is Yahweh.

Michael: Who is like God?

He is indeed tiny, the smallest of my babies. He has dark hair, and it is still hot outside.

I am overjoyed and overwhelmed. I now have absolutely no doubt that my vision was from God, and I’m still in awe that God showed him to me three years before he was born.

My God is Yahweh. Who is like God?

If you are walking through the valley of infertility, I would be honored to pray for you. Be encouraged and know that nothing is impossible for God.

Faith

Sick Kids, Sleepless Nights, and Spiraling Thoughts

Megan

It’s 6:30 AM, and I’ve been woken up by sick kids again. I know many people are regularly up at this time and earlier, but I was awake well after midnight with garage sale prep buzzing around my mind. Garage sale prep and…a bit of fear. To provide my working husband with a little better chance at sleep, our daughter has been sleeping in our bed, and my husband has been sleeping in her room/our guest room. She sleeps with her feet propped up on me. It would be a gross overstatement to say our last few nights have been restful. I’m going to need coffee and a nap today.

Yet despite the late bedtime and interrupted sleep, when my son woke up crying (and quickly went back to sleep), my brain decided to turn on, and to fill up with fear mixed with a little bit of mourning. With my thoughts racing, I was reminded to fix my eyes on Jesus. Philippians 4:6,7 came to mind, and rather than simply repeating the verse in my mind, I leaned into it.

In Philippians 4:6,7, Paul writes, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”‭‭

It’s easy to read words like, “Do not be anxious about anything”, and to hear echoes of a fish singing, “Don’t worry, be happy!” (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Mouth_Billy_Bass) But Paul is not a Big Mouth Bass, and Philippians was not written by a man vacationing on a tropical beach. Paul was a man well acquainted with circumstances we would say could have warranted anxiety.

Years earlier, Paul had written about his experiences to the church in Corinth. He wrote, “I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was pelted with stones, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my fellow Jews, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false believers. I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked.” (2 Corinthians‬ ‭11:23-27‬)

When Paul writes, “Do not be anxious about anything,” he writes with a resume of troubles past and present.

As he wrote, “Do not be anxious about anything,” Paul was sitting in prison in Rome, rather than on a tropical beach. His words to the Philippians are not just some idealistic instructions meant to calm his readers. His words carry the weight of experience.

After telling his readers what not to do, he tells them, and us, what to do instead and what will happen.

He writes, “… but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Rather than having anxiety about any given situation, Paul says to pray and petition, and with thankful hearts, to present our requests to God. When we’re walking through scary, anxiety inducing things, it can be hard to be thankful. When I’m worrying, I tend to have my situation in focus, and thanksgiving is far from my mind. Having a heart of thanksgiving, while challenging, is so important.

With a heart of thanksgiving, our hearts and minds are brought to a place of remembering. We remember who God is: all-knowing, all-powerful, present everywhere, never changing, holy, righteous, gracious, kind, faithful, etc,. We remember what He has already done. With thanksgiving, our eyes are taken off of our situations or the things causing us to worry, and they shift towards our sovereign, able God.

With hearts of thanksgiving and eyes on God, we are told to present our requests to God. The result? “…the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Faith, Life

Dear Younger, Single Me

Megan

Dear Younger, Single Me,

I know what you’re feeling. I know the questions you have asked over, and over, and over. I know the ache, the loneliness, the fear, the doubts, and the longing.

You started praying for him at the ripe old age of 11. Over the years, you’ve prayed for him almost daily. Oh, how you’ve prayed. Prayed for his health, safety, wisdom, his work, and for God to bless him. You’ve prayed for his family to be prepared for you and you for them. You’ve prayed about his relationships—keep the other girls away! You’ve prayed, more times than you could count, that God will allow you to meet him soon. You’ve questioned why it’s taking so long. Is the delay punishment for your past mistakes? Will you ever get the chance to give him those letters you started writing him at the age of 15? With the passing years, there are a lot more of them than you ever imagined there would be. You made it through four years of Bible college between two schools, and you never got your “ring by spring.” Does he even exist?

Let me set your mind at ease: he does exist. Not only that, but God so graciously answered your prayers.

Life doesn’t look the way you dreamed it would, but you are, by far, happier than you had ever hoped. No, it’s not all sunshine and roses (although you do love it when he gives you flowers), but God knew just who you needed. He’s not who you would have pictured yourself with. He’s quirky and goofy, he does weird dances (even on your first date, in the middle of Dunkin’ Donuts), and…he’s a drummer. Oh, and he likes his cookies crunchy…If you knew him in his younger years, you probably would have disliked him and thought he was obnoxious. He’s mellowed with age, and through the trials you’ll go through, you’ll see his depth and the wisdom God gave him in answer to your prayers. You’ll balance each other out, and he will keep you laughing. You will be completely comfortable with him right away, just like you prayed for when you were 9 years old. God is good.

Until you finally meet (and that’s a story worth telling), please rest. Please, trust God and fully surrender to Him. You put so much energy into worrying, wondering, crying, and questioning, energy that could have been spent elsewhere. Rest, trust, and surrender.

Until you meet, take full advantage of your ample free time. You might feel busy and tired, but just wait until you have a one year old and a two year old! Dive deep into God’s Word. I know you dream of serving with your husband, but Paul was right. In 1 Corinthians 7:34 when he said, “An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband.” Take advantage of this time. Life gets busy, and while you won’t want to trade your husband or your babies for anything in this world, you will miss your ability to spend hours in the Word and in prayer.

Until you meet, be content and be confident. You feel inferior and like you don’t quite fit in with married women. Being married doesn’t change who you are. It doesn’t make you feel any differently. Once you’re married, you won’t view singles as inferior or as though they don’t belong. Don’t wait impatiently until you’re married and finally belong. Be confident and content now.

Life goes so quickly, please don’t wish today away. God is faithful and so gracious to you, and you know you can trust Him, so do it.

Love,

Older, Married You