Last week I found myself in a regrettably familiar place, in a struggle between hope and a self-protecting negativity. We listed our house for sale three weeks ago. If you’ve ever sold a house, you know it’s not the most fun process. Between having to keep the house in showing-ready condition with four young kids, having to leave the house without a plan of where to go, and the uncertainty of how long it will take to sell, I’ve definitely experienced moments of exhaustion and frustration.
We had been told there was a lady who loved our house and was going to bring her husband back through the next weekend when he was back in town. Monday came, and they had not returned. I told my husband I didn’t think they were coming, and he accused me of being uncharacteristically negative. I explained that I didn’t want to hope for something I didn’t think would happen because I didn’t want to get disappointed. And…then I realized, I was back to using negativity to protect myself from being disappointed, which only served to make me disappointed in myself for reverting back to something I thought I had outgrown.
Before meeting my husband (9 years ago yesterday!), I had multiple people attempt to set me up with eligible young men. Each time, I ended up disappointed. I decided it would be easier, safer to assume I would end up single because hoping I would get married and hoping relationships or potential relationships would result in marriage left me disappointed.
After getting married, my husband and I had months of praying and waiting for our first child and over a year of waiting and praying for our third. I found myself worn out by the cycle of hope and disappointment each month. I stopped wanting to hope. I started assuming I would only see one line on the tests.
I wrestled with my lack of hope because I knew hope was important. Faith, hope, and love are three things that remain (1 Cor 13:13). Faith is the substance of things hoped for (Hebrews 11:1). Clearly hope isn’t something I can just wall my heart off from.
And yet, when faced with uncertainty in our house sale, I found myself choosing not to hope that the expected couple would be back through or buy our house. I believed doing so would save future me from being disappointed. I felt like a failure. How had I gotten through extended singleness and a total of over a year and a half of infertility without learning not to fight hope?
Finally I remembered the lesson I had learned: where I put my hope matters.
Putting my hope in a potential relationship resulted in disappointment. Putting my hope in positive pregnancy tests resulted in disappointment. Putting my hope in someone coming to buy my house would result in disappointment.
Instead of putting my hope in people, solutions, or outcomes, my hope must be placed in the One who never fails, is never late, is always faithful, and knows everything.
Putting my hope in God turns my eyes away from things and away from what and when I think would be best. In placing my hope in God, I wait expectantly for what God will accomplish and when He will accomplish it. While people and situations can let me down, I trust God’s heart. I know He has the best plans and that He is growing through the wait. I know His timing is perfect, even if it doesn’t often line up with my ideal timing. I know He sees the big picture.
What are you hoping for? What have you placed your hope in? How would things change in your heart and mind if you put your hope in God and expectantly waited for Him to do what only He can do?
Imperfect Pearl 